“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear.” PSALM 46:1-2 NIV

Lives Interrupted By Divorce
A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE – Part 2

Just imagine the feelings this woman experienced. Before meeting Jesus, her self-esteem was negative and her reputation sordid. But after meeting Him, her worth and importance were validated by the scriptural acclamation that “Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony,” and the townspeople’s affirmation that “we no longer believe just because of what you said: Now we have heard for ourselves, and we know this Man really is the Savior of the world” (Jn. 4:39,42).

Throughout the Old Testament God is repeatedly referred to as the God of the widow and the fatherless (Dt. 10:18; Ps. 10:14- 18). Psalm 68:5-6 states: “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.” The psalmist then adds that “God sets the lonely in families” – an apt description of God’s agenda for lives interrupted by divorce.

Old Testament Examples
The Old Testament is also replete with clinical examples of step-family dynamics and problems. The families of the patriarchs were essentially biblical versions of the modern day step-family. Although constituted under the guise of polygamy, the families of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob reflect many of the same problems that contemporary reconstituted families face under the guise of what is referred to today as “serial monogamy.” The animosity Abraham faced in dealing with Hagar and Sarah (Gen. 21) relative to their respective sons Ishmael and Isaac is no different than the polarization that often develops between re-married partners who have offspring from a previous marriage. It is not inaccurate to state that the problems in the Middle East today between the Jews and the Arabs are the long-term after-effects of step-family issues that were never resolved.

Jacob had two wives, Leah and Rachel, who together gave him twelve sons; look at the difficulty they had in getting along both at the marital and the family level. The competition and negative feelings among the siblings and half-siblings became so great that they decided to get rid of Joseph, and sold him into slavery in Egypt under the subterfuge of feigning his death (Gen. 37). This is not unlike the solution many step-families use when children do not get along and they choose to send the child or children to live with the other biological parent. Since there is commonly a significant difference between the two households, the biological parent who is sending the child away often feels like he or she is sending their child “down to Egypt.” Yet in these biblical examples God had a sovereign plan that ultimately led to blessing in spite of the human failure involved. God also offers faithfulness and blessing to post-divorce families today.

The conflict between Peninah and Hannah, the two wives of Elkanah (1 Sam. 1) was no less intense than the feelings that develop between spouses and ex-spouses when children are involved. The result of Samuel being placed in the custody of Eli to serve the Lord, though purposeful and positive, is not unlike what results in some post-divorce families where turmoil is so great that children are removed from their parents to be raised in foster families. God’s hand was obvious in Samuel’s case because who in their right mind would have chosen Eli – who raised two sons who turned out to be corrupt – to be the guiding spiritual mentor for Samuel who became God’s chosen vessel?

King David’s family is also a case in point. His adulterous actions (2 Sam. 11) – a common precipitator of divorce covered up by the cultural propriety of polygamy – produced chaos, pain and turmoil that was manifested in the step-family relationships among David’s children. The family problems included incest (Amnon and Tamar), murder (Absalom killed Amnon) and political rebellion (Absalom) leading to a general deterioration of his family, almost toppling his kingdom and nearly costing him his life (2 Sam. 13-18). Again, except for God’s grace, David would have been destroyed. The same resources that David claimed through faith in God are available to individuals and families in post-divorce circumstances. In spite of the turmoil and chaos, “God is ... an ever-present help in trouble” (Ps. 46:1), not a distant, disinterested bystander.

New Testament Example
Jesus’ family is the ultimate example of God’s perspective of the family in each of its contemporary forms. Certainly Mary and Joseph’s family is the model for the functional nuclear family as is evident from the family dynamics portrayed in Luke 2:4-52. But they are also an example of a step-family because, biologically speaking, Joseph was not Jesus’ father – God was. In fact, Matthew 1:25 confirms this reality stating that Joseph did not consummate his marriage with Mary sexually until after Jesus was born.

Finally, Jesus’ family is also the model for a single parent family. There is no mention of Joseph after Luke 2:42: “His parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover ... when He was 12 years old.” This means that Jesus spent a good portion of His life in a singleparent household (Mt. 12:47). In accord with Jewish tradition, Jesus as the oldest son became the head of the family in the absence of His father. This reality is confirmed by one of His last acts, when on the cross He made arrangements for the care of His mother (Jn. 19:25- 27). Thus the family of Jesus is the model and reference point for post-divorce families just as it is for nuclear families.

Conclusion and Transition
Given the perspective that God does not add punishment to the divorce decision, and that God provides the resources needed to recover and even thrive in a postdivorce lifestyle, some Christians who are embroiled in a failing marriage may be tempted to use this viewpoint as a basis for choosing divorce as a viable solution. Certainly in those cases where the decision to divorce is pre-empted by one’s spouse against his/her will or preference, this perspective is a source of hope and encouragement. However, secular as well as spiritual sources affirm that the disruption of divorce is by far the most significant stressor in family life with the ramifications carrying its impact from generation to generation in the same way that the sins of the father are experienced by the family to the third and fourth generation (Ex. 20:5).

So with this warning in mind, we turn our attention to the focus of surviving and thriving in the aftermath of divorce as we look at the divorce recovery process and functional family life in singleparent and remarried families in the remainder of this series.

By James P. Trotzer